Shame is a whole-self, whole-being, mind-body experience. It is the experience of one’s whole being shrinking inwards. With shame is associated the fear of there being an audience, of being watched and judged. Shame is a sinking feeling, often very unconscious.
Shame is in the hunching of the shoulders; it is behind the smile of a likeable and engaging person; shame is hidden in the unreachable recesses of one’s being as one does life loud and confident; it is in the changing tone of voice as one’s internal world negotiates the unmet need of being liked, being taken joy in, being looked at, being appreciated; shame is even more unreachable behind someone’s anger or outburst because what must be avoided has started to reach the threshold of one’s throat. Shame is not just in tears, it is also behind the hard work it takes in sounding confident.
Shame is felt by survivors of relational trauma because they come to develop a deep-seated belief of being not enough or not being loveable. Shame is felt by men every time they want to be spontaneous, express emotions, but something of them must be suppressed to meet the demands of society’s expectations. Shame shows up in women when they would like to be assertive, but the unspoken social rule that women who assert would be seen as aggressive instead.
How can psychotherapy help with the feelings of shame?
Psychotherapy offers a quiet and steady space where shame can begin to be named—softly, without demand. In the presence of a compassionate other, the parts of us that have long folded inward can slowly begin to unfold. Shame that has lived in silence finds a voice; not to justify itself, but to be met. To be seen without recoil. To be understood rather than managed. Over time, what once felt unworthy can be held with care, curiosity, and dignity—and in that holding, something essential begins to return: the right to feel, to exist, and to be.